Animal Jokes

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan.

He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack.

When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand.

"What's that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation.

The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand. "Oh," said the manager, "that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan."

A woodpecker was pecking a whole in a tree.

All of a sudden, a flash of lightening struck the tree to the ground!

The woodpecker looked bemused for a moment and then said: "Gee, I guess I don't know my own strength!"

Two monkeys were discussing evolution:

"You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?"

Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri?

To show the opossum it could be done.

Question: What do you call a dog with no front or back legs?

Answer: He's not going to come -- why waste your time?

Q: What do you call a blind deer?

A: A no-eyed deer (say it out loud)

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

A: A still no-eyed deer.

One caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly:

"You'll never get me up in one of those things."

Q: Why are anteaters so healthy?

A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!


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